Perhaps we are "all a little Autistic..."

not really, but we all diverge from each other in mind.

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

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I live in worlds within worlds.
Told that minds like mine, that don't mind, are atypical.
But what is typical in a world that houses billions of bodies with billions of minds?
How different am I to my neighbor whose diet consists mostly of the stocking shaped nuggets from McDonald's and has yet to meet a stranger they didn't consider a friend and eventually making them one?
How alike are we?
She is not bound by the peculiar set of expectations and rules (both spoken and unspoken) nor the governance of her body as I am because she does not carry this diagnosis…but she is governed nonetheless. 
However, this particular world of which I reside and she does not, will attempt to grant her citizenship because her nuggets must be stocking shape from Mcdonald’s and everyone is a friend to be made. 

I want to unpack several things here. Things that have been written, things that have been implied, and things that have yet to be shared. Admittedly, this was rushed. I rambled because the thoughts were too much and too quick for my pen. I want to take the time to explore more of this and expand further. I think it’s time I put these thoughts to paper because they have rattled around my head for quite some time.

Let’s lay these thoughts to bed, shall we? But first, I want to dissect the little section I just wrote that may or may not make sense to you.

“Worlds within worlds.”

This talks about my whole self and how pieces of me belong within all these different communities. It’s all the identities I claim and my relationship to others who do the same. All these little rules, social behaviors, beliefs, values, etc. that make a community. I have membership within so many, be I an active member or not, these spaces are supposed to be open to who I am in that particular identity.

“Told that minds like mine, that don’t mind, are atypical.”

We live within a world that has a set way of living for its people. Rules that govern us all. Values that we are to hold dear. Beliefs that are passed down. Traditions we must uphold. Histories we are to be responsible for no matter the context.

And on.

And on.

Who is it that determines what it is that we are to be? Who we are to follow? What is important? What are those things that aren’t? How and why this hierarchy came to be?

This is not a share that will spend time exploring the origins of civilization and the markers of society. The furthest I will go is to state that the minority of which I am not part of, nor possess the privileges of…is responsible for the life I live that is peripheral to theirs. Even those who share a diagnosis with myself, but not this skin, will know benefits I will not.

A society built upon the compliance of its people generation after generation. And told that minds that deviate from already carved paths are atypical and in need of correction.

“But what is typical in a world that houses billions of bodies with billions of minds?”

Are humans supposed to be factory made even if given the same parts? Our brains are incredible. Containing so much. Responsible for so much. Similar in many ways to those beside us, yet so very different. Humans are created the same, but made differently. Meaning that we hold the same components that would designate us human, but there are so many things that set us apart from one another.

No two minds are exactly alike, therefore, no two people are exactly alike.

What is typical in a world where no two people are exactly the same?

“…how different am I do my neighbor who makes friends easily and favors stocking shaped nuggets from Mcdonald’s? And how alike are we? She is not bound by the peculiar set of expectations and rules (both spoken and unspoken) nor the governance of her body as I am because she does not carry this diagnosis…but she is governed nonetheless.”

This kind of ties in with the previous section. How close are we? How different are we? I explain that she doesn’t have Autism. She isn’t Autistic, therefore she isn’t bound by certain expectations. She isn’t tasked with learning the same things as I am. But because she is of this world, she is still bound by the rules of it. Just because it varies from how I am governed doesn’t mean she knows no governance at all.

“However, this particular world of which I reside and she does not, will attempt to grant her citizenship because her nuggets must be stocking shape from Mcdonald’s and everyone is a friend to be made.”

What I mean here is that the Autistic community (this particular world) will attempt to assign disability to her person because they will feel her behaviors exhibit some sort of kinship to their own.

And this is where we will begin to explore the thoughts I have been holding for such a long time and haven’t quite found a way I want to talk about them.

Note, this is the exploration of feelings not yet confronted. This isn’t definitive stance on anything. It is not intended to offend but I am aware that what I share might anger a few of you. I share knowing this regardless, because I am no longer in the business of biting my tongue for the benefit of another’s comfort. I do my best to ensure that another is safe and comfortable and loved, but when pushed against experiences I hold and thoughts I carry, I prioritize self. Having said that, I do try to share hard thoughts delicately, if I can.

“We are all a little Autistic.” We hear this a lot. From people who either want to relate, those who want to deny, or those who feel as though they have this connection to Sheldon from “The Big Bang Theory.”

I used to not care where the sentiment came from. It was angering and dismissive, that’s all I needed to know. I wrote several posts on it and I shared a poem about it (one of the few I have shared that rhyme…not my best work).

But as I spent more time online within the Autism/Autistic community, I began to wonder, “where did these thoughts come from?” Why do so many NTs make such a statement? I don’t know that I believe that most are doing so to be dismissive or upsetting. Or anything negative. Though impact matters over intent, friends. However, I think it is important to explore the cause being as so many make these statements.

I will say that I am less interested in “where” the thoughts come from as they have been overrun with thoughts of, “honestly, I think I can see why many NTs feel all of us got a little of the sauce (Autism) in them.” The more I sit and read, watch, and interact with Autistic accounts online, the more I think, “either we don’t know how to talk about our Autism, I really can’t be Autistic if it’s anything like what I have read and watched here, or this entire world and it’s human inhabitants are Neurodivergent…like the who world is Neurodiverse.”

I want to briefly break down each thought. I have to. Writing it out has confused me more than ever, and I really have to pull this string and see what happens.

“We don’t know how to talk about our Autism.”

This one is really sitting at the forefront of my mind lately. It’s not that I don’t think we aren’t Autistic, I don’t know that most of us (myself included) know how to talk about our specific experiences with Autism. In reading these posts, noting the graphs and charts and cutesy graphics with short words, the only thing I come away with is, “this literally explains behavior in NTs as well.” Like, much of what I read are things that could be applicable to those without this diagnosis. And then some would argue, “perhaps those individuals are undiagnosed.” That appears to be the default response for when someone dares questions what is presented or notes that something is definitely seen in NT populations. “They could be/must be undiagnosed.”

The whole “stocking shaped nuggets” thing, y’know?

“I really can’t be Autistic if it’s anything like what I have read and watched on here…”

There’s many factors that are involved with my not feeling complete kinship with the overall Autistic community. Race being the largest of them all. Culture and who I am as a Black American plays an important role in how Autism courses throughout my body and how I exist here in this body. Attempting to push that to the side momentarily, there’s very little I connect with in terms of what Autism is like for myself. Or honestly, that of my children. This could tie in with not really knowing how to talk about Autism, but I felt it deserved a separate lane of exploration.

This is part of the reason I don’t “teach Autism.” I have no desire to talk about what Autism is like for another and I barely talk about what it looks like for me. I prefer to focus on advocacy, and I assume everyone else knows what Autism is like for themselves or their children, and if they don’t, they will go learn of this from another. How and what Autism is and looks like for me, I don’t often get into. Not deliberately.

I don’t know how to talk about it. Much like many others don’t either.

“Everyone in this world is Neurodivergent.”

This one is by far the most interesting thought I have. Note I didn’t say I felt I was correct. But I want to see this thought to the end. Or at least take it halfway down the road.

We can all agree that people are different. In so many ways. In ALL THE WAYS really. This would have to include our minds. NT persons, or who we consider to be NT people (see what I did there?) differ from each other in mind. They don’t behave the same, they don’t think the same, they don’t learn the same, and on and on. We all stim. We all can have interests that will take us outside of ourselves and the world almost ceases to exist when we get into it.

And we all exist within a world that would rather govern itself with compliance than allow its people full autonomy of self. Should it be a completely lawless world? No, let’s not take it there, but we ALL, no matter our neurotype are bending within ourselves to survive on this rock. We all mask. If you are BIPOC, you code switch. We all suppress pieces of ourselves because doing so will afford us the privileges society rewards us with.

I could travel this path even further and talk about who are the few that created the rules of society that the rest of us must abide by, how it all came to be, etc. but fact of the matter is…it is, to be. This is what we all live. As humans with minds that deviate from one another, always finding ways to mask, suppress, blend…

NT persons might not recognize the number that doing so has on their bodies, their psyche, their loved ones, etc. They might not even recognize the harm in teaching their children the suffocating ways of this world and how to breathe with little air while still performing. But they are not immune from the effects of a compliant based society.

My thing in this ramble is, we are not hive mind, and perhaps it isn’t that we don’t know how to talk our Autism, but rather that we ALL know what it’s like to be forced to go against your nature.

Where it is complicated for me is that, for myself it wasn’t that my NT friends and family didn’t know oppression like I did as an Autistic person, it’s that they had an easier time breaking themselves apart to belong. And I don’t mean easier in a good way. They didn’t like what they had to do, they might not have understood why they had to do it, but they eventually learned it was for the best, even if they didn’t fully recognize that it was going to hurt them in the long run. I had a more difficult time because if I didn’t understand it, I wouldn’t do it. So they had to teach me in different ways. The same stuff I had to learn, but in a different way.

NT people aren’t exempt, they just learned it faster than I did. And it feels less harmful to them because it wasn’t drilled into them at a rate that it was me. The frequency wasn’t as great. The hours weren’t as long. But they are harmed just as I am.

This world is not kind to no one.

How do you craft a society filled with all these things we are to do, think, feel, say, etc. with all these humans who don’t do, think, feel, say, etc. the same things? The minority governs the many. Smaller in number but yet more powerful than us.

And we all buckle beneath their weight.

Y’all let me ramble. Thank you. I wrote this in one sitting and lawd knows I probably should have reread it, rewrote it, came up with better thoughts, whatever. But I didn’t. I just sat down and wrote. And wrote.

Y’all gotta give me y’all thoughts on this one. There’s a lot that just sits up in my head that don’t be making sense until I bounce it off people and they’ll be like, “damn you waaaaay off the mark.” Then I will be like, “you right. Let me back it up.”