Musty. Irritated Skin. And Broke.

Lawd...

Welcome to Fidgets and Fries. Somewhat free. Somewhat not. If you’d like to honor my writings with a monetary contribution, thank you. If you already have, thank you. Your support allows me to invest in my writing in a way I hadn’t thought possible as well as pay for my son’s communication lessons. And if you are still an unpaid subscriber, thank you. Cause in a world where everyone wants their eyes on their work, you still chose to put your gaze on mine. This newsletter rests at the intersection of the unserious ramblings of a woman full of buttered rice and dad jokes and the somewhat sophisticated stories and essays of someone who knows just enough “smart” words to sound super intelligent and insightful.

What will today’s newsletter be? Hmm…

This picture don’t have a damn thing to do with this week’s newsletter but I felt cute, and I didn’t want to use a stock photo this time. So, here ya go.

I’m really sitting in this bathroom at the edge of my tub wondering why the hell does all the aluminum-free deodorant leave you musty after 4.5 hours? FIGURES that my ass would be the one whose skin breaks out from almost all of them.

I’m like, “fuck it” at this point, I’ll stick with Secret. Though they got an aluminum-free one now…

Listen, I am not gonna move on from this yet…because WHY am I even using these?

Lemme tell you why, cause I read some posts from several crunchy mamas who make their own baby wipes and grow their own soil to plant more soil (whatever…feels like it could be something they would do), that it causes cancer.

And hell, it just might. I don’t know. Fact is, I be listening to these folks too damn much. Got me out here spending 8 bucks for deodorant that have me musty as soon as I put it on…AND THEN gives me hives.

Fuck.

This.

Multi-struggled? Why? I DON’T deserve this. Hives and stank? Come on.

I really did think I had a point to sharing this, but it escapes me at moment. Keep reading, I might bring this shit full circle…and wouldn’t that be something?

And now for the most graceful transition into discussing something else:

Let’s move on.

Speaking of grace, there are way too many people who feel as though I should extend it to myself when I am venting. And I get it. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, but dammit, I know me! I KNOW ME! I be needing the scolding.

I feel like there’s gotta be some kind of balance there. At least for me there has to be. Cause I will excuse the fark out of myself for not doing a damn thing I really know I should be doing that is in some way beneficial to my life and wellbeing. Not to mention that of that man and them chirren who occupy my home. Like I really stretch grace out like yarn and knit a blanket that I will wrap myself in and sink into the corner somewhere.

My ass needs proper supervision, y’all. I love myself enough to know that I have to check myself often.

And I also know that it’s okay to be gentle with myself. However, I think part of my gentle is informing myself that there’s some shit in my life that I need myself to take care of for the betterment of my life. And that I really gotta figure out how to get it done.

I don’t think nothing is wrong with that. But hell, I ain’t gonna share this on social media. I am just gonna let folks tell me to not be so hard on myself and “show yourself some grace.”

Okay.

I feel like I must disclose that I have no issue with crunchy mamas who make their own baby wipes and grow their own soil. I used to be a crunchy mama in training. I’m just saying that it be a whole lot of them who make their own laundry detergent with massive bars of Zote that be like, “all those chemicals in the deodorant have been linked to cancer.”

That was one hell of pivot, right? Back to these weak ass deodorants again, I suppose. Sleep has been something I haven’t been blessed with lately, so chaotic and all over the place is what I have to offer at the moment.

This isn’t really about the deodorant, but it kinda is, that shit is really not working for me. Perhaps I’m just prone to funk, hell. Nah…that ain’t it. But what really gets me is how swayed I am by the voices on the internet, even when knowing a large part of it is bee ess. Again, not saying they ain’t onto something with the increased cancer risk. I don’t really know, but if I enter the clinic of Google, my mental will deteriorate, so I stay away from searching medical things for the most part. I am poorly trying to explain that even though I know my life is different from those on social media, with different circumstances, resources, situations, accommodations, values, beliefs, etc. I still find myself to be pressured to do the things that they do…or don’t do.

And that’s how I got caught up musty with irritated skin, and broke.

Musty.

Irritated skin.

Broke.

Lawd.

Struggle party over here.

Social media, I tell ya.

I mean, you know it can be fields and fields of pretty flowers and whimsical streams that get you caught up in its beauty…but it’s also full of dark pits of comparison, unrealistic expectations, and a whole lot of them pretty flowers ain’t nothing but perfectly painted lies from the strokes of folks who have been gaming us for so long because they know what it is that we like to pretend to be. Because they pretend themselves. Only we tend to keep it to ourselves and admire others for it, but they put it on display so that we can…admire them for it.

And it’s how I got wrapped up in stink and bad skin. I thought, “damn, they got it all together, making their own rose water for their hair and homemade Fall potpourri. Surely, the must be onto something, right?”

If enough people float around sharing the same thing, saying the same thing, you’re bound to think much of it, if not all of it, is something you need to be doing. Or sharing yourself. Such great power social media can have over a person. Hell, I let it drown me a few times. And I am not just talking about drowning in funk (I am REALLY not letting this one go…I am still upset over this deodorant).

Now, I did abandon them high-cost aluminum-free deodorants in favor of the one made by Secret. Don’t look at me like that. I am a work in progress. Here’s to hoping I don’t smell after three minutes. I’ll let y’all know how it worked for me. And my family since they have to be in close proximity to ya girl. But if it don’t, al-you-men-uhm for yours truly.

You might be telling yourself, “She’s being way too hard on herself.” There ain’t no way I am extending grace to myself in this situation. I smelled because I was trying something I ain’t know a damn thing about because someone else was doing it. And talking about it being a better alternative than what was out there. So, I am out here easily influenced and stanky. Bad combination, friends. And yet, I am still giving it a shot (aluminum-free Secret). Whew.

A mess, I tell ya. A mess. Much like this damn post. Y’all hang in there with me, I swear it won’t always be this weird.

What y’all get into this week?