That one time this community tried to destroy me…

and how it’s made me stronger because of it.

Today marks the third year since I received a message that said “your children would be better off without you, so do them a favor and just off yourself, I promise they won’t miss you.” 

I told my husband I deleted it. 

I lied. 

This wasn’t the only message, but this was one of the ones that hurt the most. 

The cause of all this anger: someone put me on a ban list because another told them to. 

Why: because they didn’t like the fact that I shared a post about Texas considering to cover ABA. They didn’t like that I didn’t give much energy to puzzle pieces, colors, or identifiers. They didn’t like that I presented a balance between hard and soft parts of my being. They didn’t like that they see my children, period. 

Nothing about who I am and how I share has changed in three years. I am same as I was then that I am now, only I am stronger because of this moment in time in my advocacy. I am wiser. I am bolder. Braver. And I give little thought nor care to the anger many throw my way. 

But this, this is something I must share about. 

Those of you who know me under previous names, know of this incident. You may have even defended me. You may have even been threatened yourself. 

I was put on a ban list here. And followed to IG. I was harassed and threatened. My family and friends were as well. 

Because it was assumed that I was a threat to this community because I don’t engage in groupthink. Because I exist as everything that I am. Because I inject nuance where there were none. 

I was called names. Stalked. Told I was abusing my children. That I would be better off dead. Fake profiles were made to harass my husband. One was made that shared posts that I was a prostitute who had STIs and was cheating on my husband. One “concerned citizen” reported us to CPS (would not recommend putting so much information on your personal profiles, like I did). 

To say that was a dark period of my online advocacy is an understatement. I literally felt as though I wanted to die. That was early on in my days of online activism. I wanted a deep connection with other parents and couldn’t fit in with them and that led to some incredibly harsh words thrown my way…but they never tried to DESTROY me. 

Not like the Autistic community tried to. 

I could have let myself sit with that anger and hurt that was done to me and torch everything in my path, like so many do here. 

But I channel my grandmother in all ways and she wouldn’t stand for me doing such a thing. 

But I was tired of being strong, sucking it up, etc but most of all I was tired of ignoring the way this community can treat people. 

Espousing principles in their advocacy that they rail against. The hypocrisy of it all. 

I sat in my sadness for some time, then my anger took over and it wasn’t healthy. My family helped me through that. My friends here did. 

And I am the best at what I do. Nobody is ever gonna make me feel otherwise. I don’t give a damn how many ban lists I pop up on, how many groups I’m banned from, I will always be me. 

I will always advocate for the inclusion of all bodies, at all times. 

I will always make sure that the stories that are often hidden away are brought to the light. 

I piss everyone off. Specialist, professional, therapist, parent, Autistic, and on and on. This isn’t deliberate but the way your battle lines are drawn…

And while I don’t actually understand why, I stopped caring why. 

That ain’t my concern, honestly. I know what I stand for and I know who I am. Every single time someone has deep seeded anger and hatred towards me has been because they misinterpret my work and my words. Be it deliberately or not. 

I am whole body work. Whole oppressive systems destruction. Period. That ain’t changed and will never change. That helps all people. Not some people. Not those with access. Not those with privilege.

I’m in the people business and people are complicated complex beings with unique lives and circumstances. I ain’t never gonna be shallow. Never gonna memeify my work. Never gonna use short sentences for complex things. 

I am here to challenge the status quo, and be challenged. 

A few clowns ain’t gone stop this circus.