Social Media and Autism in Motion

on why I probably won't share many videos of my family online

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This newsletter rests at the intersection of the unserious ramblings of a woman full of buttered rice and dad jokes and the somewhat sophisticated stories and essays of someone who knows just enough “smart” words to sound super intelligent and insightful.

What will today’s newsletter be? Hmm…

My kids are making a lot more video these days. And as a family, we find many of them acceptable to share.

I won’t do that though.

I have written about sharing video before and how much I didn’t care for it. I have shared about the many people who tell me that my following would bust right open should I incorporate more family videos into my content. And this wasn’t told to me by some “influencer trainer looking to get rich or more exposure so that they can one day get rich,” this was told to me by other parents, other professionals, advocates, etc.

They feel as though my words should be in front of more people and this would be the way to do it.

Videos would get more people to read.

Looks weird when you write it out, but I get it.

We are in a video based social media world right now.

Image based was hard enough for me to get used to, and now there are reels. Youtube is still a big thing.

I don’t learn well with video. I don’t have that kind of focus. My platform these days are an extension of who I am and what I can do at that period of my life. I no longer prioritize people outside of myself when it comes to how I run my social media. I lose myself and the work suffers.

So, I don’t do many videos.

But I found myself reconsidering this position lately with my family making more videos that they felt good with sharing.

They didn’t sign up for none of what I do though.

Social media is hard.

It’s harsh.

And cruel.

Images are hard enough to share but they are frozen moments in time and as painful as it hurts for me to type this, my children look just as any other children do in images. They appear “normal.” They are doing what other people do. They are smiling. They are laughing. They are outside. They are playing. They are visiting museums. They are looking at the fish in the aquarium. They are in awe at the giraffes at the zoo.

People can handle these.

They cannot always handle my videos.

Not the ones where it’s just my children, being themselves for a minute of their day.

But I thought I could do it. I thought I could give it a shot again.

And then I ventured into the spaces of those who constantly share videos of themselves or their children.

Their comment sections are difficult to read.

They are heartbreaking.

And I think to myself, mine won’t look any different.

Every single time I share a video of my children, someone breaks my spirit. Even those who have been in my space for some time can say things that cut you down.

It’s further proof that many aren’t intimately aware of just how my children are. Especially Aidan. They aren’t familiar with how he moves, how he sounds, the way his eyes bounce all over the place, or the way his fingers twist up.

They should know.

You think they should know.

But they don’t know.

And I am reminded about how different our lives are even from those in a community that is supposed to understand and get it.

However, they aren’t the only ones who hurt me…they are few, the ones I feel should understand but truly don’t. The ones that cut the deepest are when the video spreads beyond the community and into the vast space of the social media skies.

Strangers are bold behind their screens.

They are mean.

They are heartless.

Things they wouldn’t dare say to someone’s face, they have the protection of the internet to do so.

And while my children won’t read their comments here. I do. I know what they say. I know that while they don’t often say these things to our face, these are the thoughts that drive the actions of those we encounter in real life.

Most of those images of our children doing “normal” things are just stills of a day in which people treated my children poorly.

This isn’t a world that is kind to those it finds different.

I love my children and their smiles light up my day just as much as their movement. I love how Aidan’s fingers flick and find the wind. I love how he holds his hand to his face to stare at the light through his parted fingers. I love how he bounces up and down when he walks four or five paces. Jojo can make his elbows bend upward and it is a sight. I know I ain’t explaining it correctly, but he is double jointed so do with that what you will. He can talk nonstop about any and everything. You mention one thing and he will have an entire history lesson on that one thing. He doesn’t care where he is or if he is on video, he is dropping a whole class on you in that low, slow, country simmer of a voice.

In real life, people find my children odd. Both of them. For different reasons. They aren’t welcoming or kind. Not most of the time. And they often have something to say. This shines through on video. People will pick up on those very things that those in real life do as they watch video of my children and I have to deal with the comments that follow.

That’s not something I am wanting to put my children through at the moment. I don’t know that I will ever be fully comfortable with sharing video of my kids. It would be nice to share the ones that my family wants me too. But I won’t share them. No. They aren’t on here to deal with the pressure of putting things onto the internet. I have to navigate these spaces with delicate precision. It ain’t easy.

But one day, who knows? I haven’t sworn off video completely. I still share a few from time to time. Just not that much.

Like I said, this world ain’t that kind.