On Pumpkins Colored Blue…

I wrote this a couple years ago, so some of the language might be off from what I am currently using and my style. The foundation of it is the same as how I feel today. I have an issue with damn near writing the whole post of what you are going to read while explaining why I am sharing it again within the author note, so I am gonna just stop right here and let y’all read.

Happy Halloween!

Hi, I’m Tiffany, and I get it.

I understand that from the moment you realized your child was different, that meant you were different. It meant that your experiences and that of your child’s were different, and would always be different because this world won’t ever let you or your child feel as though you belong. This world won’t ever let you forget that you, your child, and your family is different.

And there was a time before you knew your child was different. And there was a moment it hit you. Maybe it was when you visited family for holidays and looked at your child with their same aged cousins. It didn’t hit until you saw them side by side. Maybe this moment didn’t come until your child started school.

Thing is, different isn’t bad, but this world doesn’t understand this.

And so every single day you are facing a world that wants from your child things they cannot give. They expect from your child what they don’t require of themselves. They want complete and total adherence to societal norms and want you to teach your child.

And so here you are, exhausted from explaining to others that your child does not speak. Tired from correcting others when they talk to your child like a baby or place demands upon him that are not only unfair but do not cater to his strengths. All day long you are explaining something, or apologizing, or correcting...and you are tired. Your child is a living, breathing message that so many don’t understand and you are drained.

Your child is too.

I get it.

So when the idea of something that will explain something for you so you don’t have to comes along, you find comfort in it.

This is what the blue pumpkin is.

It is a symbol that will release you from having to explain who your child is and why they don’t behave as other children do. It’s not that you want to blast your child’s diagnosis to the world, you aren’t thinking about that, you just want them to enjoy a holiday so many other children enjoy without having to stop every five seconds and run down your memorized scripts detailing your child’s backstory in the hopes that people will be more understanding. You give all of who you are and all of who your child is, over and over and over again…for costumes and candy.

But it’s more than costumes and candy, ain’t it? It’s a rite of passage. It’s a tradition. It’s something you took part in as a child. It’s something you loved. It’s something that you want to share with your child.

And you are giving more than should be necessary to participate in a tradition that should be welcome to all. Whether you are explaining yourself over and over again, gettin more and more exhausted with each house you visit, or using a blue pumpkin, that’s what you are doing. You are giving too much. For so little in return.

You are revealing a diagnosis that belongs to your child, not you, all so he can participate in a tradition in which other children (well, their parents) aren’t revealing their own personal medical histories. This is something that isn’t required of other children, so this is something that shouldn’t be required of you as well.

It’s hard.

This, I know.

Everywhere you turn you are reminded of how different your child is. But I want to challenge you in this way, think about how different is such a neutral term. Now think about how wonderful your child is.

Yes, they are different, but again, different isn’t bad. They just are who they are. And they will learn the most from you about how this world is and what it can be. You are showing, and you are telling. So, model for them how much they can enjoy a holiday being who they are. Model for the world that you nor your child owes them an explanation for their existence.

Know that you yourself are a victim of ableist systems just as your child is. You want your child to fit as others do, but your child is not like others. Know this and then support them in the ways they need support so that they can participate in the ways that work best for them.

You don’t need a blue pumpkin and the assumption that each house you visit will know and understand what that pumpkin means. Trust me, so many still do not and you are still feeling like you need to pull from memory that script that not only wears you out and brings you down, but will do a number on your child as well.

Your child has every right to trick-or-treat just as the other children do, if someone has an issue with your child reciting three words, that’s not the house for y’all. Move on. No explanations, no lessons in human decency, nothing. Conserve your energy and move on. There are plenty of houses to hit. Not all of them contain jerks.

Think about your child, I mean really think about your child. Are they the type to even enjoy trick-or-treating? Too often I will see parents disappointed when they have spent all that time and money on costumes and their child made it to two houses and wants to do no more. If this is your child, don’t force it and a blue pumpkin won’t change this. There are other ways to enjoy Halloween. Maybe y’all make it an epic night at home. Themed movies and snacks. Some games, hand out candy yourself. Buy some large bags of candy for your child and fill some buckets for them.

And if your child appears to love Halloween and does well going door to door, but is nonspeaking (like my oldest) or situationally speaking (like my youngest) then consider their communication styles at all times. And by that I mean, during times of newness, times of stress, etc. We don’t always communicate in the same way when a variety of factors are at play. So, for my oldest, he has a “holiday folder” on his AAC device. He is able to convey “trick or treat” through the app. This, he does well with. My youngest prefers printed cards that he can just give to neighbors. This works as well.

We want to be direct in our interactions with the world and when the world is interacting with our children. We want them to know: this is how they communicate, this is what they use to communicate. Direct is handing someone a card or pushing a button on a device, or signing, or writing, typing on a phone and showing them a screen, etc. We want to make other communicative styles more mainstream. But most importantly, on this day, during this time, you just want your child to enjoy their time on their own terms, in their own way.

I am a parent, so I get it. I won’t tell you what you should do, only that I feel the blue pumpkin isn’t as effective as it’s made out to be. I feel that there are ways your child can enjoy Halloween without walking around with this large “I am Autistic,” sign that they carry, and that’s if your neighbors even know what that means. And then you’re just back where you were before you spent the $.98, explaining your child’s existence to a stranger and apologizing for their person.

I won’t yell at you for your decisions. I won’t attempt to bully you into choosing to go my route.

Ultimately, the decision will be yours. But I hope you take into consideration everything that I have written here, and know that I understand.

Be easy. And be kind to yourself.

Much love to you all.