On pausing and saying “no”

What does “no” even look like?

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I made honey garlic chicken, black eyed peas, and corn fritters last night. It was this celebratory meal for finally being able to eat food and keep it down. And it was also a “last meal” of sorts cause I am continuing on this path to bettering myself, which includes my health and eating right. 

It was full of sodium and the fritters were fried. Not exactly the meal of champions for someone struggling with their blood pressure at the moment. But it was the first time in weeks I was able to keep some food down. Taking Prozac for the last month has wiped out my appetite. 

And it also caused more nervousness that led to panic attacks. So, I stopped taking it. I will focus on my blood pressure and finding the right medication combination with my doctor, coupled with eating better, exercising, and reducing stress. 

This will be a journey but I am determined more than ever to see it through. I have no choice. This body has carried me through some hard times and it’s still working hard for me. I have to do right by it. 

I am not good with saying “no.” My business plan and life goals are keeping me from taking the time I need to care for myself. I commit to things I shouldn’t and take on more than I can handle. 

That has to stop. It will stop. 

Those black eyed peas and corn for the fritters came from my father in law’s garden. Cooking them made me feel connected to the Earth in some way. 

Holy transition, Batman! But yeah if I stick with health things and whatnot I fear I will spiral into an anxiety loop I can’t get out of for some time, so you will have to deal with the sporadic and random twists this post is sure to have. 

I want a garden. I have always wanted one but I am not the best with plants. Even fake ones I somehow ruin. However, I won’t get good at it if I don’t try. I don’t own my home so I would put the garden in large pots or a box garden. Something like that. 

I just need something to do with my hands and my mind. It’s the summer, we are on break from homeschool, and this is the perfect time to work on me. And being okay with saying, “This is too much for me at the time” when it comes to my business. 

Typically with the social media breaks I announce I will be gone for some time. I am not doing that this time. I am just bouncing and ceasing posts cold turkey. Part of me feels like that is wrong to do to my audience who deeply cares for me and may worry many of them. But I’m trying something different, “on a break” posts keep me tethered to the space. I don’t know how to not check them. I don’t know how to not answer the questions and comments many will have. 

So, yeah, trying something different. I’ll explain when I come back. Or someone reading this will let someone know and then they’ll tell someone they know, they’ll pass that on and on. 

I want the smiles I share to be genuine. I want to find a way to my happy and my healthy. I have to take a step back and reevaluate some things. 

This was not the most graceful share. I am literally just writing and will hit post when I run out of things to say. I am going to keep this space and Patreon (patreon.com/fidgetsandfries) updated on my comings and goings.

I just hope that if someone is going through similar that they also take a step back. 

Plant a garden or something.