My son’s first secret

Kid is hiding something…

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

My son has been holding on tighter than my pants after downing a bowl of some buttered rice to this latest interest of his. 

I won’t tell you what it is.

But I will tell you what it’s not: 

porn. 

Yeah. I thought he was hiding that he was watching porn. 

Don’t look at me like that! 

He’s 14! 

I was like, ”’Lonzo, look at ya son over there trying to keep us from looking at his iPad...look at him. look! Ask him what he watching?” 

And then hammy be like, “what you talkin’ bout woman?” He ain’t say that, it’s not his style but he got eyes that talk the shit his mouth won’t. 

I will then say, “he got his first secret and it’s equal parts heartwarming, frustrating, and something else I can’t quite name.” 

We tell each other everything. My son and me. Or is it my son and I? Meh. Doesn’t matter.

He doesn’t lie. Like ever. He isn’t like other kids his age. 

But he’s also like other kids his age so I lean hard into the moments when he reminds me that he’s my amazing little, taller than me, twin who is also having teenager moments. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in “therapy/advocate mom mode” when you’re raising children with disabilities so moments like these…I don’t know, they just give me lots of feelings. And center myself in my most important role ever: Mama. 

Now, back to this porn. 

He would tuck that iPad in a way that we couldn’t see the screen. Wear them headphones. Flip it over on a surface so we can’t look at it. And never leave it alone in a room he ain’t in. 

I asked twice, “what you watching?”

He will say, “nothing.” Or “it’s just a commercial.” 

Then I tell Hammy, “the boy told me a lie.” 

And I smile. 

Lots of feels. I mean I don’t want him lying to me. But he found something that is of interest to him and he isn’t ready to share what that is. 

I figured out long while ago it ain’t porn cause who watching porn from the corner seat of the sectional with your parents in the room? Or while being a Passenger Prince in the car next to his mama? 

That’s bedroom under the covers behavior. 

So, I found out what it was. I watch him around the house and he is doing little things and saying little things that are reflective of his new interest. 

And I smile. 

He wants me to order him something that coincides with this new interest that he doesn’t think I know about. 

And I will. I will order him multiples. 

I watched something with him and suggested it because I know this interest of his now. 

There’s a reason he’s keeping it to himself. I won’t push him to share. But I want him to know that I am okay with it, more than okay with it, so that the day he opens up to us about it, he will feel safe to do so. 

And oh so loved.

But it wasn’t porn y’all. 

I was wondering for a minute or five.